Out of the darkness and into the sun

Why is it so hard to know what one wants? It is impossible to plan a life, one never knows what is going to come around the corner... what is here today is not necessarily there tomorrow and that is life.

I believe most of us need something to count on. A person, a work, a home, a view of life. I said some time ago there is only one thing I know I can count on. It is the faith that life will go on and that there is someone who has the highest command of everything. And it´s not me and no one else on the earth either. It gives me a certain amount of safety.

There is a joke about an old lady, who was sailing on an ocean. A storm broke out and the ship was in trouble. The lady asked the captain how bad is the situation. The captain answered, the best thing now is to pray. Oh no, is it that bad, the old lady cried.

The best and the worst in life is to pray. The best because there is some one who hears us and we can with our whole hearts leave our troubles to him. The worst because things don´t always turn out as we wanted to. And because it leaves us waiting for the answer. We are not happy to wait. We are not happy to try and be patient. We are not happy to be out of control within our own lives.

Lately I´ve seen how little one can trust that things will go on as they were suppoused to, according to my plans, dreams, thoughts. This hurts and makes me frustrated, unhappy, depressed. I am not a calm person, who would live my life with nothing much moving my insides. I might seem as one, but actually I go up and down fast. Today I talked about this with a friend and we ended up thinking we are quite happy as such. I love to get excited about something and on the other hand, even though I have my deep dark periods, there is always light shining from another end again.

No, actually it is not so hard to know what one wants. Only it is hard when it depends on other people, and there is the place for praying. I only want to be led to the way that is reserved for me. I think in this sense I have grown up during the past half a year more than ever before.